Disability

Admitting you're disabled is a tough pill to swallow, I take a lot of pills everyday. I stand I front of the mirror and I hear the same words Tough Guys win Football Games and Tough Guys win at Life. Well that motto only gets you so far some days. Realizing you're not the toughest guy anymore ain't easy. I have applied for disability now as I can't work anymore. That in itself is a huge problem for an Alpha guy. I am lucky though I have a very supportive family and things get paid. But, having to rely on others hurts. I have been denied twice so far for disability. But, I am hopeful as I am trying again. I have a huge support team and they keep me going but, still when you can't provide anymore, you feel like a failure as a man. So I sit here and wonder just how tough are ya Quack? How much more punishment can this old body and brain take? Was it worth it you're 52 years old you should be in your prime. But, that is not my hand, I tell myself just take a knee regroup you still got a few more downs left in ya, but when you can't recall your own daughters name when your looking right at her you know you are slipping away. I recently started toying around with art. It has really helped my state of mind. I started on a dare from Jason he said I should try drawing fish and the QUACKADELIK FISH SERIES was off and running. I have drawn 58 fish in pastels, painted 29 butterflies and done about 20 creatures in ink. So I am keeping busy, but even art doesn't change what is happening to me. Around fish # 37 the colors started changing on me and it even became confusing. I have a hard time expressing how it feels loosing your marbles, but mine are slowly rolling away. And as far as I can tell from all the different doctors I have seen thus far, there's not much I can do about it. From what I have read thus far about the brain it's like and engine each section being like it's own spark plug. When certain spark plugs start to misfire and die the others start to work harder. Well my creativity spark plug is working. It's a blessing from GOD I believe. A silver lining you might say. I know there are many people that pray for me and to them I say Thank you!!!